Recently I experimented with the idea of trying to become a nice person, at least in the eyes of others. Whether I had to fake a nice personality or truly make the change and become an over the top nice person, was the decision that I struggled with. I really liked the way people responded to my fake personality and it seemed easy enough, honestly just another form of manipulation. I feared though that if I faked it, karma would bite me in the ass. With that in mind I decided to throw my whole self into this new endeavor. And so I did, well I honestly tried, but seriously it’s just not in make up to be that nice of a person.
It started out very good, I was quite happy being nice and my mood was quite conducive of this, so it was easy and it felt good. The days had been sunny, I was being active, and everything was in harmony, being extra nice just seemed natural. The fact that people were eating it up and responding positively also fueled my desire to continue acting in this manner. Out at the store I would go out of my way to help people, whether by holding open a door or letting a person go in front of me in line, I just could not stop being nice. And smiling, I seem to recall that I smiled almost all the time and people; friends and strangers alike felt disarmed and smiled back. Its easy being nice when you feel happy, but you know what? I am not always a happy person.
The weather changed, it became cloudy and rained for several days, and I wasn’t being as active and life stuff happened, while happiness fades and being a nice person is all but impossible. This actually made me feel worse, I had decided to make an effort to change and be this way too nice person and now I could not even be nice. So on top of being in a bad mood, I was getting pissed off at myself because I could not even be nice, let alone extra nice. I was in such a bad mood I could not even fake it, too often I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I am in a bad mood you can tell I am in a bad mood. Added to that was a sense that I failed at improving myself, yes another failure. Maybe though, I had not failed at improving myself, so much as I was unsuccessful in becoming something I am not. I realized that today.
I am a person that at most times is lead by my moods, how a person sees me will be based on whatever mood I presented to them. Some people fear me, some think I am an asshole, others think I am sweetheart; so much of their view depends on how I felt when last we met. I think that is why people have trouble getting to know me, there can be confusion and getting to know the real me takes time and patience. I am working on improving that, but when the darkness falls upon me I am unable to do much more than exist. I have learned to find my way out the dark maze of despair, but sometimes when all the wrong things work together; I can feel helpless and merely have to hang on and let it run its course. I know in the end I will come out of it and be fine.
So I am not going to be an overly nice person, I cannot be what I am not able to be. I will likely still be a person who is lead by his moods; the few people that do truly know me know that at heart I am good person. To me that is all that I care about, the people that matter to me know the real me. I will keep working on and improving my ability to control my moods and not let them control me. Sometimes, though, when the darkness of depression hits, there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass. For however long it has been, I feel like it is finally lifting, a fog is being removed and my mind is functioning properly again. Now I think I am ready to write again… be prepared!