Natural Born Quitter

So I have found that quitting smoking was quite easy for me.  It has been over four months and I have smoked a total of two cigarettes, one out of spite and the other out of pity, but more about that later.  I am very successful quitter and that is not always a good thing.  When my mind is made up about something, that is it, whatever the decision is- it will be followed through on, no if’s and’s or but’s.  Whether it’s people, jobs or bad habits when I decide I am through with it; I walk away never looking back and burn all bridges connected with whatever it was.  Sometimes though, this is bad as I can talk myself into giving up on something before I have really given it my all.

When I finally quit drinking it was a question that a policeman had asked me the night before that kept going through my head the following day that lead to me deciding to quit drinking altogether.  “Why are you being a teenager about this?” I was twenty-six and sure I had put my hand through the window, but there was no way my drunken self would ever admit that.  I kept telling him I fell in the street and cut my hand, that’s why there was blood pouring out of five deep gashes in my hand.  Some part of me thought that admitting it would make me guilty, so I stuck with that story.  He gave me a choice, go in the ambulance to the hospital, or with him to the police station.  I opted for the hospital and then almost proceeded in talking the paramedics into taking me home, because I had no insurance at the time.

I was a happy drunk at the hospital, right up until they were about to give me a shot to numb my right thumb, that was going to require stitches.  I stopped him before he started, “How much is this shot going to cost me?” he said an amount that seemed like an obnoxious sum, so I declined and refused treatment.  They signed me out and sent me on my way.  I made up lies to my mother and the girl I was seeing at the time and slept for a couple hours.  When I woke, I was haunted by the fact that I was going to get in trouble, possibly arrested for punching in a window at a local garage.  I decided to go the garage and talk to the people and offer to pay for the window.  I got there and the window was boarded up and nobody was there.  No police ever came looking for me and it was like it never happened.  One thing though, I just could not shake what that officer had repeatedly asked me, “Why are you acting like a teenager about this?”  I just could not get past that, I was almost twenty-six years old I did not want to be acting like a teenager, so right then and there I decided to never drink again.  It was a pretty big decision at the time, because I was pretty bad blackout drunk and deciding once and for all to stop was scary.  I did though and I have never looked back.  It has been almost twelve years and once I made the decision it was easy.  I can go to bars, I am not tempted, I can be around people drinking, and it does not bother me.  Drinking is something I just know I cannot do, so I don’t do it.

With quitting smoking I had, for so long, convinced myself that it would be impossible to quit, that reaching the decision to quit took a long time.  Not being able to breathe without coughing for the first hour I was awake, getting out of breathe from walking up a flight of stairs, coughing when I laughed too hard, all these things made the decision to quit smoking a necessity.  I decided I HAD to quit smoking, I chose the nicotine lozenges to help me and I have not been tempted to smoke at all since I decided to stop.    Yes, I know I said I smoked two cigarettes, but I did not want to smoke them, I felt I had to.  The first one was out of spite.  I was mad at my wife and I smoked one in front of her. I know the last thing she would want is to feel responsible for me starting smoking again.  My knees got wobbly and I nearly passed out, but I managed to smoke the whole thing, which leads to a huge fight which ended with us having some passionate making up.  The second one was out of pity.  My wife had been feeling a little depressed and carrying some guilt. She wanted to bum a smoke from the neighbor, because she was craving one really bad, so I went as well and smoked one with her, that way she would not feel guilty and she didn’t feel guilty about having a smoke.  Afterward I told why I smoked it and she was totally cool with it.

For whatever reason, I am a natural born quitter, it is not always a good thing, but when it comes to kicking bad habits it is the answer.  I am trying to be as supportive as possible with my wife; I understand that it isn’t just that easy for some people.  She does want to quit, I just don’t think she has reached that point where it has become necessary to believe that she can quit.  She is hardly smoking, maybe one or two every couple of days.  I don’t usually get mad, but sometimes when I am already in a bad mood I let that be the reason for my mood.  That is something I need to change.

UPDATE:

     Since I originally wrote this about ten days ago things have changed some.  My wife has taken control and with some difficulty overcome the urges.  The urges can best be described as just wanting to have the pleasure of the smoking experience, anyone who smokes or has ever been a smoker will understand that.  We both are using the lozenges with pretty good success, I say pretty good because it hasn’t been perfect.  One day, during a particularly stressful period, we ran out of lozenges and did not have enough money to buy any until the next day.  We did, however, have enough cash for a pack of smokes, which we bought and smoked.  The next day we bought the lozenges and we have been fine since then.  Now I have to get myself off the lozenges and all will be well.

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